Having a vulva* doesn’t automatically mean you know how to pleasure someone else's vulva.
A first time vulva-on-vulva sex experience might feel exciting and intimidating. Communication, an open-mind, quality lube and sex toys can make a new experience more playful and relaxed.
It can be hard to find info on how to pleasure vulvas that doesn’t center penises or cis men's desires.
*Please note that this blog post focuses on AFAB (assigned female at birth) anatomy. And, vulvas can include a much wider range of genitals than are included here and that not all AFAB relate to their genitals as vulvas).
Here are 10 tips to help you get started with vulva-on-vulva sex:
1. Do prepare for play.Trimming nails (if you wear acrylics, consider keeping a couple of nails natural and smooth), fantasising, watching porn or reading erotica, plus learning more about sexy skills you’d like to develop can help you show up to play with greater confidence about what you want to do.
2. Don’t bring other people’s baggage into your bedroom.
There’s so many stereotypes about how to have certain types of sex. These stereotypes are other people’s stories, and block us from true intimacy with our lovers. As much as possible, try to leave that stuff at the door, and follow what feels genuinely good for you.
3. Do set reasonable expectations.
Nerves and learning a new body can make it challenging to orgasm. Focus on the other many rewards of pleasure like: playfulness, intimacy, relaxation, mindfulness and connection.
4. Don’t assume what works on your vulva is standard.
You might have ways of pleasuring your body that you love - communicate those with your partner as ideas or information sharing and invite feedback on what their vulva likes. Start slow and learn the speed, pressures and rhythms they like.
5. Do communicate verbally.
Giving and receiving feedback gives you the information you need to give and receive pleasure. Ask questions like: would you like me to go harder or softer? Faster or slower?
6. Don’t ignore under-serviced erogenous zones.
Encourage full body pleasure by licking, kissing and touching these potential hot spots:
- Ears
- Backs
- Wrists and behind the knees
- Inner thighs
7. Do use a quality lube.
More lube, more pleasure! Lube (shop USD / CAD) helps create textures that reduce friction from hands and sex toys.
8. Don’t ignore safer sex practices.
- Discuss what barriers you’re comfortable using (e.g. dental dams, condoms (shop USD / CAD) for what sexual activity
- Use gloves (shop CAD) for anal and vaginal fingering anally or vaginally. If not using gloves, cut and file your fingernails
- Use condoms on sex toys
9. Do prioritize sensual sex.
Bodies are more receptive to sensation once they’ve had time to maximise arousal. Try these sensual tips:
- Stimulate multiple erogenous zones simultaneously
- Slow things down, create tease
- Make eye contact, whisper sexy things
- Explore grinding against each other in different positions
10. Don’t be shy to introduce sex toys
Your partner might have a favourite sex toy that you can take turns using on each other or put on a show using it on yourself. There’s so many different toys that can enhance and expand vulva on vulva sex, such as:
- Strap-on harnesses (shop USD / CAD)
- Double-ended dildos (shop USD / CAD)
- Wand-style vibrators (shop USD / CAD)
- Nipple clamps (shop USD / CAD)
It might feel like you’re over-communicating at first, but knowing how to give the pleasure your partner wants can build your confidence. Go slow, be curious and all both mind and body to relax.
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